


Lips Like Morphine

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, Established Relationship, Horror, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-14
Updated: 2009-10-13
Packaged: 2018-09-06 09:16:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8744248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared Padalecki wants nothing but to get rid of the self pity and hatred. Jensen Ackles just wants to finally be accepted by someone. Suicide and PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)? Will they go hand-in-hand and find solace within each other or be the mere destruction?





	1. Cause None of Us Are Angels

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** This is a dark fic. There are some happy times but mostly its just sad and depressing. Includes some painful flashbacks.

  
Author's notes: First chapter, always interesting. Talks about whats going on in Jensen's mind.  


* * *

The door to the medicine cabinet opened with a start. Jensen grabbed for the anti-depressants after waking from memories he really rather not think about. He was sweating in his boxers, on a chilly, fall night. Hands trembling violently he tried opening the bottle of what would drift him to dreamless sleep. "Dammit." The bottle cap just didn't want to oblige to the fact of being opened. He struggled and after a good 5-10 minutes finally got the tiny bottle to open. A sort of relief flood through him as he took 2 pills and wobbled to the kitchen. Ever after about 20 pills you'd think the person could walk properly, but no. It was a slow, unstable, hunched walk. A walk that clearly showed the person was on his defense and constantly reminded of the ridicule and unworthiness. It's the walk Jensen had become accustomed too. And that too for a while now. 

 

He opened his fridge door and took out the nice, cool water jug. As soon as his hand encircled the jug handle a relieved look washed over his face; cold water always soothed him. He set it slowly on the counter top as he pulled a glass out of the cupboard and set it down. Maybe he should call Rennie and tell her what happened? No, he'd just be bothering her. He'd already done enough of that. With feeble hands he lifted the pills up to his mouth and swallowed, following with water. 

 

As soon as the pills washed down a sort of relaxation came over Jensen. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes, leaning against the counter so he didn't tumble. He never was able to explain what the drugs did for him but he knew he helped him forget. For the moment at least. And that, that was good enough. Even if the nightmares were at bay for minutes, even seconds, it was worth it. How he wished everything that happened back then never came true. He wished he didn't have to make his closest friends leave their further schooling because of his insecurities. What he would do just so they all could go back to that. What he'd do just to be held in the arms of his family. 

 

This time with love, not disgust. 

 

What he'd do to make everything go back to normal. He sighed raggedly as the phone ringing brought him back to life. He shuffled over to it and picked it up, "Hello?" God, he hated how his voice sounded barely above a whisper and weakened over the years. "Hey Jensen, how are you?" Jensen's sadness vanished for a few moments as he heard the person’s voice that was there for him through everything. Serenity Fate. Yeah, she had a very unique and different name that matched her personality perfectly. "F-fine, you?" he hadn't meant to stutter. She caught on to the slightest of actions. It was like she didn't even try. 

 

"Jensen? Baby, are you ok?" Jensen could hear the evident panic in her voice. Great, she thought he was having a nightmare and probably going through some shock. In a matter of minutes she'd probably bust through the door. His hands started to shake a bit from the haunting memory that followed. His voice cracked when he spoke, "Yeah, I'm fine." Jensen didn't hear Rennie's voice for a bit and knew she was probably quickly dressing in whatever she found before answering, "I'll be there in 5." With that she closed the phone. Jensen sighed again, followed by a small cough. She didn't need to come here at 3 in the morning. She should be sleeping like any normal person and waking up normally. Not abnormally, like him. She really didn't need to do this for him, yet she did. 

 

Jensen trailed into his living room as he idly sat down and stared into space. Memories invaded his mind, and this time he wasn't able to let them just, go away. 

 

Jensen limped his way down the darkened streets of Richardson, Texas after another beating. The kids at school said he deserved it because he was a “little fag excuse of a man”. Their words hurt like hell but Jensen had long since learned to drown them out. How he wished he wasn’t walking late at night though. That was when they were out anyways. 

 

Hot, wet tears streaked down his face as he furiously tried to wipe them away. He hated that his own family was disgusted by the very thought of him. He hated how he was deserted by his so called “friends” because of his sexuality. Yes, Jensen Ackles was gay and so far proud. But now he didn’t know anymore. Everyone drilled it in that no one liked someone like him. Some words just cut deep down. Especially, when his own father called him them. He knew he was a disgrace. He didn’t need to be told twice. Once was more then enough. The only person who truly seemed to not care was Serenity; which is where he was currently going. 

 

Before he could even ring the doorbell it flung open. There stood Rennie in a t-shirt and shorts with a sad and concerned face, “God Jensen, what did they do now.” He stumbled in as she caught him just before he fell to the floor. Her eyes bugged out at the numerous knife cuts and bruises he had received. She was revolted by these bastards that called themselves “human”. No one should have to take such a severe beating. 

 

She helped him inside and upstairs. His jeans were all cut up and bloody as was his ripped shirt. His hair had dirt and blood clinging to and off it. Tear tracks were evident on his usual handsome face. She ran out and came back with the first aid kit, “I swear, I’ll kill them for this.” She now also had tears adorning her face. Before she fixed him up—or as much as she could—she worked his jeans and shirt off. She threw them in a heap as Jensen now stood there only in his boxers. Her eyes narrowed at the scatter of bruises around his stomach and chest. She trailed light fingers over them but when she felt a wince she quickly retracted it. “Why me Rennie?” 

 

Jensen constantly asked himself this. Why did he have to go through all this, when all the “straight” and “normal” people were worshipped? And always he never got an answer. “Because, their stupid assholes who think their better then everyone else.” She wiped away the dirt and blood from his face. First she used alcohol for the cuts and then water to give it a cleaner look. “You wanna shower?” Her voice was barely above a whisper as she got a look at his back bruises as fresh tears leaked through her eyes. Jensen nodded. When she got up to leave he grabbed her wrist, “Please don’t leave me.” Her eyes widened as she grabbed him in a hug. He buried his face in her neck and she felt his body wreck of sobs. Serenity closed her own eyes as her tears fell on his hair. 

 

She sniffled as she got him up and to the washroom, “I’ll wait here.” She turned around as he stripped and got in the shower and just sat on the toilet. So many things hit Jensen at the moment. If he ever got away from this he didn’t know if he’d ever be ok again. It’s one thing when people say you’re a failure and to never contact them, it’s different when your own family does. 

 

He shut the water off and opened the shower curtain. Serenity didn’t react as most girls would after seeing Jensen wet and naked. She smiled feebly and handed him a towels to wrap around himself. She supported him out as they walked back to her room so he could change. She kept a small supply of his clothing in case he ever had to come to her house. He dried off and got into the clothes. Jensen saw Serenity go to lie on the sofa to give him extra room but pulled her besides him. She smiled, wrapping one of her arms around him, while the other stroked his hair to lull him to sleep. 

 

Jensen woke when he heard the doorbell ring. He half slide half tripped to the door opening it to a worried Rennie who flung herself at him, “God Jensen! Are you alright honey! I’m here ok! We’ll just lie down till you sleep ok, I am in no hurry.” She was constantly looking at him to see any damages done, none. Jensen had rather grown into quite the attractive man. Pine green eyes, plum, pouty lips, high defined cheekbones and a killer smile, when he smiled. 

 

She took off her jacket and her shoes. Jensen cringed slightly at the sight. She was in such a hurry she wore shorts and a tank. God, she must be freezing. And it was his fault. “Really Rennie, y-you didn’t have to c-come.” He stuttered, closing the door, tripping in the process. He balanced himself to come face-to-face with Serenity’s annoyed face, “Jensen, you know I’d be here even if you didn’t need me.” She smiled giving him a big, warm hug. He responded back as he clutched onto her as though he’d break. 

 

A worried expression crossed her as she stroked through his hair, giving him a small kiss on the cheek, “What’s wrong?” Her voice was now barely above a whisper. Jensen told her what he dreamt. He broke down during the middle, so, she snuggled up to him, rocking him back and forth as he kept telling her what happened. Jensen hated being so weak and that something so small got him so hyped. He hated knowing that he worried the people around him over minor issues. He wished he was strong like before. He wished he was able to face his problems head on. He wished so much only to be gained with nothing. 

 

“God Rennie, you probably think I’m a sad excuse for a man. I just, I just can’t get anything out of my mind. Everything just keeps falling apart.” Rennie held him tighter as she wiped away the tears and kissed his forehead, “Jensen don’t you ever say that again. You aren’t weak; you’ve just been through hell. All you need is love and support. Something you should have been receiving from a while ago. No ones perfect Jensen” She spat the middle part and he cringed. She got him to lie down again as she wrapped herself around him as she played with his hair, trying to get him to go into a dreamless, painless sleep. 

 

Jensen owed her so much. He wanted to break through all this. So badly, no one could even imagine. He wanted to be the supporter not the one being supported. He wished so deeply that he could really just go back to sleep, but sometimes, nothing helped him. God, wherever you are, please help me.


	2. Now, now Darling, Oh don't Kill Yourself

  
Author's notes: Second part already, I'm surprised! So, this is Jared's story and his thoughts. I have a weird kink for graphic torture when it comes to his case.  


* * *

Slow, tortured, music played through the speakers. There was an assortment of different knives and razors laid out in front of him. Jared sat in a huddled corner in his one bedroom, crap ass apartment. His fingers were shaking for the aching touch of metal against cold, lifeless skin. That's how he felt; cold and lifeless. Like a vampire. If there was such a thing. 

 

Since he can remember the only thing drilled into him was that he was worthless. He wasn't good for anything besides sex. No one would love him because he was a gay freak. Yes, the truth at first hit him like cold knives, but then, they were just words. 

 

Sweat was pooling near his brow. It was freezing outside and his apartment didn't have the best heating, yet here he sat, ice cold. He sighed in and then reached for the smallest of the knives first. He always started with smallest. As soon as he felt the metal touch near his wrists, a small anxiety hit him. Would today be the day? Would it be the day he finally had the guts to finish what he was contemplating to do since he was a teen? 

 

When the knife made a small cut, and only a trickle of blood ran out he knew the answer; no. Today was not the day. He sighed just watching the blood swim across his arm and then dripping down. He debated whether going for a deeper cut but eventually settled on the second biggest, razor this time. He wanted to end this session quicker. 

 

He took the razor and made a painful yet satisfying cut right near a vein. His teeth clenched as he hissed in pain mixed with his own sick pleasure. The blood this time was much more and it seeped through his cut, staining the wooden floor and crimson. He bit his lip and rushed for the next, dropping the knife in the blood, watching some splatter on his clothing. 

 

He took the largest of them and settled for his other arm. I twisted smile broke across his face as he took the razor and without thinking just cut through. He really should of been used to it but then when the blade left his arm an odd sort of excruciating pain shot through him. He cried out slightly as blood poured out of his wound. He grabbed his arm and doubled over, falling slowly on the ground. His legs were on one side as his upper body was twisted in a uncomfortable position. 

 

His breathe became rasp as he took large amounts. The blood now was stained on most of his shirt and pants. His vision became blurry and he thought, he finally did it! He finally gathered the strength to throw him out of this hateful and miserable world. It was never nice to him, not once. He just hoped that someone wouldn't com-.

 

"Jared! I brought some Mexxxicana home since the Chinese restaurant closed," a chuckle was heard, "Doesn't matter to us right? We'll eat anything! Pigs for life!" Then there was a full break out of laughter. Oh know, he completely forgot that Jane was spending the night at his house! Jane Eve; one of the few people he lived for. Then he heard the cringe worthy sound of a choked gasp and stuff falling to the ground. 

 

"Jared! Jared!! JARED! Oh my god! Dammit! What the hell! I thought we talked about this!" she was hunched over to his side as she tried helping him up. Her eyes widened immensely as she saw how much blood he lost. She grabbed a hold of his shoulder and brought him to a sitting half slouching position. Her face softened at his expression. His skin was deathly pale, eyes bloodshot, red and puffy, beautiful, puppy-dog face stained with tears and memories and those gorgeous hazel eyes. God, how she wished she could bring laughter back into them. 

 

Jared was the epitome of the living dead. Her face now flushed with tears as she tried to smooth out his hair, "C'mon, let's go sit." She tried supporting as much weight as she could of his. She at last got him to the couch but not without a couple of stumbles and near crashes into the wall. All the time all you could hear was the drip, drip of Jared's precious blood. She seated him in front of a table and rushed to get a needle and thread. He needed stitches. 

 

Jared started t drift in and out of conscious. His neck barely supporting his head. He was having to take large amounts of air just to stay up. God, how he wished he could just go to sleep. He wanted to just lie down and never wake up. But, he made himself and a couple other people a promise and to hell with it if he'd go back on it. 

 

Jane rushed back and nearly dropped the materials. "Jared! Jared, baby? Please stay up, god please stay up." Her voice was desperate as she hurriedly tried putting the thread through the hole and failing. She muttered incoherent words but finally got it through. "This may sting." But Jared was ready. I mean, it wasn't like this was the first time this happened. 

 

When the needle went in the first time Jared's face relaxed and his breathe came out more calm. Jane frowned at this but he couldn't blame her. Most people would run away as soon as they found out about Jared's psychological issues. And sometimes, he wished they just would. Jared was lost in thought he didn't notice when Jane was running an alcohol patch over the cuts; all stitched and better. She took his hand in hers and gently rubbed it, "Jared, Jared please, please stop. I hate seeing you like this, it's completely killing me. What happened, it isn't worth you killing yourself over! Your life is worth so much more, you have no idea. Your an amazing guy Jared, you really are, people just don't take the time to see it." she caressed his face as Jared instinctively leaned into it. 

 

Jane smiled before she stroked his cheek, "Lets get you cleaned up, eat and then head in, k?" Jared's eyes were closed due to the amount of warmth, love and comfort. And when he opened his eyes, Jane was happy to see some life return; even if it was minimal. They both got up, her now not having to support him as much and trudged into his room. She helped him out of his clothes. Now unless Jared was absolutely on the brink of falling apart would he call someone in with him to help him. At the moment he just wanted to be left alone. 

 

He saw Jane curl up in the bed with a book. He locked the door and faced himself in the mirror. God, what was wrong with him? Why was he like this? Why couldn't he take Jane's advice and just snap out of it? Why couldn't he just let the past slip away and let him start fresh? The memories haunted him at night and he hated waking up in a sweat. He hated how he had hyperventilated at even the slightest of personal touch. He'd jump and completely embarrass himself.

 

He turned the shower on and stepped in. Many things haunted him. Mostly the fact that people really did seem to take a liking to him but due to his problem, he'd shy away or just cut them out. He wouldn't give them a proper reason and just bail. He really wanted to start over again. He wanted a fresh start. A new life. He just wanted to forget was the main point. He wanted to stop the self infliction of pain, the hatred and the pity. He sighed as he quickly cleaned up and walked out in a towel. 

 

Not to his surprise, his old clothes were away and a new pair of boxers, cotton pants and a wife beater were were set on his bed. He gave a small, half smile and changed into them. Eating went by quietly and before he knew it, Jane was settled beside him. "Hey, how about we go out tomorrow. You know, call Chad and Sandy up and head down to a bar or something. Maybe go out and eat?" she looked tentatively at Jared, in case of any sudden outbursts or shaking; none. He just laid with his arm behind his head—which she was not recommend—staring at the ceiling. "Jared?" Still nothing. She sometimes wondered if Jared ever listened to some of her thoughts. She gave him a small, barely noticeable shake and his head snapped looking at her with wide, lost eyes. "Want to go out with Chad and Sandy tomorrow? Eat? Bar?" Jared's lost face finally registered into it and he calmed. He shrugged but nodded a bit after it. 

 

Jane smiled as Jared's head came and laid across her chest as she lulled him to sleep. Jared's thoughts went to tomorrow and what events he'd run from then.


End file.
